I shouted at K. Got angry at M. And got chided by everyone.
Why do I do what I do?
But no, don’t look for answers. This is not the right time.
You haven’t asked enough questions yet. Haven’t tinkered with the minds to awaken the curiosity. Haven’t known anything yet.
Just know that brushing with these emotions like the tolling of the bell to mark the hour, to awaken you from the trance. You’ll get there slowly, and steadily. But make sure you don’t look for answers yet.
For these answers will make you stop and wonder. Don’t stop and wonder. Walk and question. Again and again. Never stop.
But these emotions are right. Sometimes you cross the river of Lethe and settle into an asinine oblivion. Your living self that thrives with others like, and unlike you, sparks sufferings. You become a subject of pain for everyone. When the glass shatters and the shards pierce your sole, then you will wake up to this beautiful mess you have created. Beautiful for you, a mess for others. Oh how you loved living in oblivion!
But you question yourself, of course. Self-righteous-you’re-a-good-person-who-questions-themselves kind of questions. “Why do I do what I do?” As long as you don’t stop there. As long as you refuse to settle in mediocrity and are complacent. As long as you question. Become curious. And shake with the dust that everyone is busy creating. Oh yes you’ll be joining the crowd. You will be one of them. But you’ll know who you are. You’ll learn then. Learn to recognize your color that sets you apart. Learn what you are, because that’s the most important favor you’ll be doing yourself.
So yes, you’ll hear M say that you don’t live up to the standard of the image M created of you in her head. Image that the herd expected of you. But you’ll learn to focus on things that matter to you, despite the digression.
Just like now.