A lost sailor

Your memories Echo in my head everyday
Your words create whirlpools.
My ocean of freedom shrinks into a river,
reduced to a stream,
then a pond –
You make me go back in ways I never imagined.

I’m a lost sailor
Only way back is the place from where I set off,
But I can’t take it anymore, this boat has to sink,
And I dive with little idea about swimming in the deep dark
(A memory of you telling me how illogical I was)
I’m in unfamiliar waters.

But I persist until I either die trying
Or until I learn the most valuable lesson of my short life.

Your Joke’s On Us

You joke, life feels bright
You joke, we laugh with all our might
You joke, now you almost cross the line
You joke, now anger on my sight
You joke, I feel like coming up to you with a knife
You joke, I feel like taking your life
You still joke with the knife on your neck
I laugh so much that I drop that knife
And fall on the floor, laughing
You resume joking, we get back on track,
Life could be bliss again.

Fix me

Gravity is strong today, like every alternate day. It’ll be productivity, happiness, energy, and enthusiasm tomorrow. But for now, my limbs are too heavy to lift, breathing is a chore, and living is a burden. I take myself too seriously.

I go to internet, that store of various solutions, seeking an end to problems. But nothing happens. I watch video after unrelated videos. Read a few paragraphs of an article to realize that I have no idea what I was reading, and waste energy. It’s funny how waiting is the only thing I think I can do.

It’s not that I haven’t sought a solid solution to my “plight”. The thing is that it keeps on changing itself, so the solution for Plight A is not really useful when Plight H comes. I’ve often thought that I’m creating my plights as I go and I haven’t ruled that out yet. The unpredictability of what I feel and think just sweeps me off my feet and dump me to a dungeon where I am chained in. Maybe that’s the gravity I am feeling.

I get a phone call and am jerked into working. This gets me wondering if those are the boosters I need.

I am a machine that needs to be fixed. So fix me.

Dust

I shouted at K. Got angry at M. And got chided by everyone.

Why do I do what I do?

But no, don’t look for answers. This is not the right time.

You haven’t asked enough questions yet. Haven’t tinkered with the minds to awaken the curiosity. Haven’t known anything yet.

Just know that brushing with these emotions like the tolling of the bell to mark the hour, to awaken you from the trance. You’ll get there slowly, and steadily. But make sure you don’t look for answers yet.

For these answers will make you stop and wonder. Don’t stop and wonder. Walk and question. Again and again. Never stop.

But these emotions are right. Sometimes you cross the river of Lethe and settle into an asinine oblivion. Your living self that thrives with others like, and unlike you, sparks sufferings. You become a subject of pain for everyone. When the glass shatters and the shards pierce your sole, then you will wake up to this beautiful mess you have created. Beautiful for you, a mess for others. Oh how you loved living in oblivion!

But you question yourself, of course. Self-righteous-you’re-a-good-person-who-questions-themselves kind of questions. “Why do I do what I do?” As long as you don’t stop there. As long as you refuse to settle in mediocrity and are complacent. As long as you question. Become curious. And shake with the dust that everyone is busy creating. Oh yes you’ll be joining the crowd. You will be one of them. But you’ll know who you are. You’ll learn then. Learn to recognize your color that sets you apart. Learn what you are, because that’s the most important favor you’ll be doing yourself.

So yes, you’ll hear M say that you don’t live up to the standard of the image M created of you in her head. Image that the herd expected of you. But you’ll learn to focus on things that matter to you, despite the digression.

Just like now.

 

If you were here

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If you were here where I am right now,
You’d enjoy the cool shade of history
Visible in the carvings all around me.

If you were here where I am right now,
You’d be amused at the languages they speak
And the melody it gave.

If you were here where I am right now,
You’d have admired the art,
the calm,
the cool breeze that passes through your shirt,
into your heart.

If you were here where I am right now…
But you aren’t.
That’s why I will go where you are.

We will bask under the benign winter sun,
Brace the weather of sprightly spring,
Escape the summer heat,
Soak in the monsoon.
We’ll spend years and decades,
All in each other’s arms and we’ll never be apart.

And that is the only thought that’s holding me
Even though I wish with a million wishes
For you to be where I am.